Mini-reviews

And now it's time for .... HUMP DAY MOVIE REVIEWS! Recently viewed by the squab and spouse:

300 - Holy, holy, holy crap, this was a bad movie. And let me be clear: it's not that I hate CGI, or movies based on graphic novels, or any of that stuff. I thought Sin City was amazing and the previews for 300 made it look pretty cool. Sadly, the cool factor began and ended with the preview. It's not just that the story had about as much relation to the actual events between the Spartans and the Persians as peeps do to actual food. I could take that - hell, I expected it. It's the total disregard for moviegoers of even minimal intelligence. I mean: wtf was up with the King of Sparta sporting a Scottish accent thicker than William Wallace? You couldn't get an accent coach? And why was the ruler of Persia represented as an eight-foot-tall, flamboyantly effeminate, Brazilian drag queen? How does that forward the plot again? Oh, that's right: there IS no plot. There's just computer-enhanced fight scene after computer-enhanced fight scene, interspersed with the occasional computer-enhanced sex scene just for titillation. (Speaking of which, could the sex scene between Leonidas and Queen Gorgo have been ANY LONGER? All right, already. You're virile. You give your wife massive orgasms. OKAY.) By the time they got to the completely unironic visual of Leonidas dying in full-on Jesus on the cross pose, any remaining disbelief I was suspending came crashing down around my ears. I'm pretty sure I was actually giggling out loud for the final third of the movie. (Mr. Squab was not amused.) Final Grade: F, for Fucking-A don't see this movie.

Blades of Glory: This one I was really looking forward to. I love me some Will Ferrell, and his movies are my kind of dumb-ass fun. And I'd say about 2/3 of the movie didn't disappoint. I mean, Ferrell and Jon Heder are pretty damn hilarious on the ice, and Heder's peacock routine alone is practically worth the price of admission. Plus, you get Amy Poehler and Will Arnett, who have to be two of the funniest people on the planet. But I'll tell you what I didn't like so much: the 1/3 of the movie where the one joke is how totally hilarious it is that TWO MEN would be skating together as if they were GAY or something! GAY!! Hahahaha! GAYZ ARE TEH FUNNIES. It's homophobic, which is bad enough, but even worse: it's just plain not funny. Like, boringly unfunny. (I had the same problem with Talledega Nights which I otherwise loved. The French jokes? Awesome. The gay ones? Dumb.) It's too bad, and Ferrell is really past the point where you can kind of write it off as dumb frat boy instincts kicking in. When he's on, he's the funniest man alive except for possibly Steve Carell. So lose the stupid gay jokes, wouldja Will? You're better than that. Aren't you? Final Grade: B, for make it Better next time.