Recap of our trip to the grocery store with the baby, aka the first time the Hatchling has been out of the cart the whole time

Me: OK, now, remember, the Sprout has to ride in the cart so you get to walk and help Mama with the groceries. You have to stay with Mama, OK? NO running away, right?

Hatchling: OK, Mama. I helpa get gwocewies.

Me: Right. You help.

Sprout: A-bah.

Me: OK, let's see what we need for fruit ... do you want some bananas? (She's only been asking for them 10 times a day since we ran out.)

Hatchling: Ummmm ... no fanks. Oh, WOOK! Tomayoes!

Me: (grabbing bananas, distracted) Uh-huh, that's right - ok, put it back, Boo. Put it back on the pile.

The Hatchling puts the tomato back on the top of the heap, and it rolls down and falls on the floor.

Hatchling: Uh-oh.

Me: That's ok ... (surreptitiously places it back on the pile) ... Now don't touch anything, OK? Just look. No touch.

Hatchling: Wookit, Mama! Apple! (She holds out a pomegranate.)

Me: No, that's a ... never mind. Put it back. No touching, right? Just LOOK.

Sprout: MAH!

Hatchling: OK, Mama. I get-a bwoccoli. I be riiiiight back.

Me: Honey, don't - you really want broccoli, huh? Well, I guess that's a good thing to want. OK. Look, don't touch all of the - just bring me that one. THAT ONE. (The Hatchling walks towards me with a clump of dripping wet broccoli.) Good, good job. Here, I'll take it.

Hatchling: NO! I PUTTA INDA CART!!

Me: Honey, we have to put a bag on it first.

Hatchling: INDA CART!!!!!!

Me: Yes, we'll PUT it in the cart, but FIRST we have to put a bag on it. See? It's all wet.

Hatchling: All wet!

Me: Thank you. OK, now we need to go down this way for some cereal ...

Hatchling: I WUV ceweal!

Me: I know you -

Hatchling: Oh, WOOK! BAWOONS!

Me: Boo, stay here! We'll look at the balloons later! Honey ... (grabs cereal, parks cart and Sprout in corner) Come on, Boo. You have to stay with me, remember? (Hatchling darts through flag display, I knock it over trying to reach her) Ack! (grabs Hatchling with one hand, picks up flags with the other) Now come on. We'll look at the balloons when we're all done. Let's find the milk, OK?

Hatchling: What's dat?

Me: That's crackers.

Hatchling: Get some?

Me: Uh, yeah, I guess we do need some crackers.

Hatchling: What's dat?

Me: That's gouda. It's a kind of cheese.

Hatchling: I WUV-A CHEESE! Get some?

Me: No, you don't like that kind. Come on, here's the milk. (grabs milk, tries to head back to registers)

Hatchling: What's dat?

Me: Those are lightbulbs, honey. Come on, it's time to go pay for our stuff.

Hatchling: What's dat? What's dat WIGHT DERE, Mama?

Me: (increasingly beleagured) I don't ... those are cookies, honey.

Hatchling: COOOOOKIES. (She says this exactly like Cookie Monster) Getta some coooooookies, Mama? Get some wight DERE? I WUV-A coooooookies.

Sprout: Ga gooo. Ggggoo.

Me: Fine. (grabs cookies, dumps in cart) Now let's GO. Come on! (enticingly) Let's go look at the balloons!!

Hatchling: (brightly) OK! (runs off in the direction of the balloons)

Bag Boy: Wow, she's a real cutie. How old?

Me: (smiling, fatally turning attention away from the Hatchling) She's three, and the little one is two months. (notices Hatchling completely entangled in various balloon strings) Honey ... argh ... (leaves cart and Sprout at register) come here, let's get you untangled ...

Hatchling: I stuck, Mama.

Me: No kidding. OK, now let's go get our groc-

Hatchling: I NEEDA BAWOON!! MY BAWOON, MAMA!! (Grabs four graduation themed balloons tightly in fist.)

Me: Christ. Look, how about we get this one? Just ONE, ok? And put the rest back.

Hatchling: (brightly) OK! (Marches back to cart with her rainbow happy birthday balloon in hand.)

Grocery Clerk: (smirking) One balloon, then?

Me: (sheepishly) Yeah. Thanks.

Hatchling: OK, Mama! Time to go to car. Say bye-bye!

Sprout: geh-GA.
**********************

Final Score: Hatchling = Eleventy Billion, Me = Zero. Once the Sprout can play I am truly doomed.

I write letters

Dear Teacher at the School Where Our Weekly Toddler Class Is Held,

If you see a harried-looking mother trying unsuccessfully to calm an infant who is screaming like her eyes are being stabbed out with red-hot pokers, it is perhaps not the ideal time to strike up a conversation with said mother about how cute the baby's outfit is and you assume it's a girl and what a lovely name! etc., because I DO NOT HAVE THE BRAIN SPACE to engage in social niceties while my baby girl is having a complete and total conniption fit. You absolute moron.

Warmest regards,

The Squab

Two Months Old

Dearest Sprout,
Well, you turned two months old on Thursday and I'm just getting to your monthly letter now. I'm guessing this is sort of the pattern with the second kid, and I hope you don't feel lost in the shuffle. Right now a lot of your life is spent getting dragged around to your big sister's activities. At some point you might object to this, but so far you're remarkably accommodating about it. We hoist you in and out of your carseat, in and out of the sling, in and out of the stroller, and you sleep or look around or eat or, pretty rarely, fuss. I am in favor of this demeanor, so please keep it up. Thank you.

This is not to say that you're not coming up with new tricks, however. This month you've added smiles and babbling to your repertoire, both of which are pretty awesome. Daddy is definitely your favorite person to communicate with - he gets the biggest grins and the longest chats - closely followed by your big sister and your other relatives, with me as a veeeerrrrrrry distant last. Which: WTF, kid? What am I, chopped liver? I only GREW you and BORE you and stuff. I mean, don't feel obligated or anything.

I really can't complain, though, because the smiles and coos are pretty adorable even when they're not directed at me. And you seem (knock wood) to have figured out your days and nights, so while we not getting tons of sleep, we are at least getting more than last month, and frankly, I'll take what I can get.

Tomorrow we'll go get you weighed and measured and see how much you've grown since the two-week mark. No telling if you'll be as off the charts as the Hatchling, but seeing as how you're already in size two diapers and 3-6 month clothes I'm pretty sure you'll get the stamp of approval. The nursing is going better too, so we're mostly just using formula for when we're out and about or if I have to leave you with Daddy for a meeting. This is especially nice at night, allowing me to nurse you without the lights on in a semi-conscious state. Mmmmm ... semi-consciousness.

And that's really about it for this month, kiddo. You're doing everything you're supposed to do. Oh, and also: You didn't poop in my mouth this month! Which is awesome. So I think we'll keep you. Now give me some smiles!

love,
Mama